Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I love it when happy people make sweeping conclusions about depression. I was recently listening to a guy talk about the nature of depression, and he was saying (in a matter-of-fact tone)that people become depressed because they can't get what they want. I had been extremely depressed recently, and I pondered his statement. I looked into the nature of my amorphous sadness and fear, and didn't see anything. Therefore I challenged his statement, suggesting that a lot of the time depression is a purely chemical thing which can't be controlled. He acknowledged that occasionally this could be true.
I, on the other hand, think that it is true most of the time. I'm not saying that depression is causeless, but rather that it is caused by things we don't often notice. When we become depressed we pin the cause upon things which are going wrong, and never think about the fact that we would be depressed even if those things were going right.
I lay awake that night, my heart beating powerfully (though not quickly) in my chest. It kept me awake, and as I realised I was the only one awake, an irrational fear gripped me. This fear grew until I could not shut out it's voice. I tried to calm myself. I pictured the world spinning through space with all the people who were awake going about their lives on it. I imagined people having lunch in Hong Kong, and people eating breakfast in Paris and London. I reminded myself that in a few hours the sky would grow grey in Newfoundland, then pink, then gold as the sun rose.
However, my heart was still pounding. I listened to it. I have found that the human consciousness is a lot like some subatomic particles. If you try to observe it, it ceases to exist. My heart beat more normally as my mind focused on it, until I could no longer hear it.
Fear acts in the same way. If one tries to step outside of one's own mind and look at it, it is very hard to pin down. I tried to describe to myself what fear, depression and despondency felt like, what they looked like, how they tasted, and whether they would sink or float if you put them in water. They faded briefly under the searchlight of my mind, but returned as soon as it passed.
I turned over and stared at the textured ceiling, trying to think of why I was feeling this way. My mind passed over things I had to do and hadn't done, things I was doing that I didn't want to do, and even hidden fears of what the people around me were thinking. None of these things were the true fear; the true sadness.
And then as I thought I realised what the true fear was: there was nothing wrong. I was on winter break, and I was waiting for classes to begin. I knew that soon, the break would end, and the classes would begin. However, it wasn't the classes that I feared, it was the end of the break. I knew I would enjoy almost all of the classes, and that none of them would be impossibly hard. Rather, it was the unknown, the abyss, which I feared. I feared "school" and "work". Not as they were: a mixture of new and old books, of good and bad teachers, of friendly and unfriendly students. Rather, I stared just past them into fear itself. I feared a nothing, and the nothing grew until it surrounded the world. I began to feel claustrophobic as I pictured space surrounding the world, going on and on.
But then I realised that was not what I feared. I am a Christian, so when I stand back I realise that the universe is not a void, but rather an orderly kingdom. The space surrounding the earth was not the enemy, but rather the place not conquered by the enemy. I am not "telling myself" these things to quell my fears, I have felt God's closeness and power. No, I do not fear the void.
I fear fear. I fear a darkness that does not exist. I know that the earth is the only thing which stands between me and the day, but though my mind tells itself over and over there is nothing to fear, I still fear.
This question has no resolution. I fear a nothing which does not exist, so I can never say what fear is. Fear is fear, and I have nothing to do with it, so I shall forget it now and go play something from the Allan Parson's project.