Saturday, July 23, 2005

To fart, or not to fart (Omlette)

To fart, or not to fart
That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The pangs and pressure of noxious gas
Or to release it from the bowels so troubled
And by releasing it, smell it?
To fart, to sigh
No more, and by this sigh to show we end
The aching and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a constipation devoutly to be feared.
To fart, to sigh, perhaps to belch: ay, there's the rub
For from this couch of death what stench may come
Long after we have shuffled off to get a soda

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I'm not liberal, I'm a realist

I recently saw a picture that made my stomach turn. It was a picture of an American flag on a tank. This by it's self is not too scary. It shows a bit of over enthusiastic patriotism, but that's nothing new, and it's usually rather harmless. The thing that made my stomach turn was the main point of the picture. The sun was shining through the flag, and its rays reflected off the nylon weave to create the pattern of a cross. Here were 3 things that make most Americans feel warm and fuzzy inside; a flag, military heroes, and the cross of Christ.

Fact 1: the average American doesn't vote
Fact 2: the average American has never served in the military
Fact 3: the average American does not attend church on a regular basis

Here is a popular culture that mixes church and state on a level never seen before, and the really scary thing is they do it without thinking. I don't know if most of you realize this, but church and state are a lot like nitroglycerin and matches. Both serve a purpose, but combining them isn't smart. Historically speaking they tend to lead to theocratic dictatorships, not liberty and morality.

Fact 4: (why on earth am I numbering these?) The average American reads the Bible about once a year, maybe.

There’s a book in the back of the Bible that leads to a lot of confusion. Few people read it, and those that do don’t really understand it. Most of the people that think they know about it will talk about Armageddon, which really isn’t as big as you would think. The “battle” of Armageddon covers a grand total of 6 verses, and never really amounts to much. Essentially the kings of the earth get together and get struck down by plagues without accomplishing anything. And this is what we are planning our foreign policy on? Perhaps we should pay more attention to what it talks about earlier in the book; famines and plagues, wars and pestilence.

The nations were angry; and your wrath has come.
The time has come for judging the dead,
and for rewarding your servants the prophets
and your saints and those who reverence your name,
both small and great—
and for destroying those who destroy the earth.
–Revelation 11:18



This comes as oil production falls behind demand at an ever increasing pace, leading to a collapse of unsupportable suburban living. It comes as people lose immunity to epidemic diseases, simply because we haven't been exposed to them for 300 years. It comes as we lose the ability to live without our steady hydrocarbon stream. Humanity didn't suddenly get smarter around the late 1800's, they suddenly got oil. Genetically we are not above the people of medieval Europe who fell before the plague by the millions, though we are less farm savvy.

I join the very, very, very small group of Christians that take the Bible seriously.

This Story Has No Title

The general stood atop a hill and surveyed the land before him. The enemy was camped across the dry valley below, a silent force of impending doom. Turning to his tent, the general began to plot his course of action for the battle that would be fought that day. This was the battle that would win or lose the war; millions of lives would be decided in the course of a few hours. The general paused at the entrance to the tent and looked to the sky. It was an oppressively hot day, and there were dark thunderstorms brooding on the horizon.

The general entered the tent and sat down at a small table with his advisors. One lay a map of the terrain on the table and began explaining the key features that must be won at all cost. The main problem would be crossing the valley under fire and climbing the hills on the other side. Ideas were hotly debated and discarded, till at last they arrived at a plan. A diversionary force would make a frontal assault as the main body made its way through thick brush and attacked on the left flank.

As the advisors pontificated the general felt a tug on his sleeve. He turned and saw a young boy, the son of a man who regularly came to sell things to the soldiers. “Sir, the storms are”… but he never finished the sentence. “Run along, go back to your father” said the general, sounding quite patronizing. The boy stood there, waiting impatiently for the advisors to pause for a breath. When after several minutes they were still blasting hot air, he tried again. “Sir!” he said, half yelling to be heard over the din. The general turned to the boy with a look of annoyance. He strained to remain calm as he spoke. “Now see here” he said. “You can’t just come barging in here, we are planning important strategy. Who let you in anyway?” The boy’s shoulders sagged as he headed out of the tent. Having taken care of the temporary annoyance, the general returned to planning.

The boy was not to be dissuaded so easily, however. Once outside he began pestering the guard at the door of the tent. “I have important information that I must give to the general, but he won’t listen to me!” “Ooooh” said the guard, throwing his hands up in mock terror. “Are the barbarians attacking? Or maybe it’s werewolves this time.” “No!” said the boy. “No one is attacking”. “Then go back to your father” said the guard, “I suspect we will be moving out shortly.” At this the boy tried to charge back into the tent, but the guard grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked. “This game has gone far enough, if you won’t go home, perhaps we’re just going to have to lock you up for a while.”

As the boy was dragged off the general and his advisors emerged from the tent. Orders flew as the massive military machine came to life, sending men to their untimely deaths with great precision.

At this moment the thunderstorms finished their brooding, and announced their conclusion with a resounding clap of thunder. Sheets of hard rain began falling, quickly turning the dusty ground into mud. The general viewed the scene with a pleased look on his face. The thick rain would keep the main body from being detected as they made their way toward the left flank. He ordered the men to move faster.

The boy looked out a small window in his dark cell, and saw the rain coming down as the soldiers rushed across the valley. He sank to the floor and wept long and hard.

Suddenly, the men stopped their headlong rush into glorious oblivion, as they heard a roar coming from all around. All other sounds seemed to fade away as they saw the wall of water heading towards them, rushing down what was in fact a dry riverbed. Many tried to run back, but got hopelessly bogged down in the thick mud. The water rushed over them, and the mud pulled them down.

When the sun came out it shone on a scene of utter destruction. Where the camp had been there was only scattered debris. To one side were the remains of a cell, with a hand still raised in warning above the drying sand.

So consider well, dear reader, the meaning of this story. The storms are here.

Disclaimer:

All the details of this story, if there are any, are correct. The one exception is the vast majority, which are complete rubbish. If you understood that the first time then you are a very smart person and should get a degree that would allow you to spend the rest of your life studying the abductor muscle of a scallop. If scallops don’t have abductor muscles then you’re out of luck and will spend the rest of your life wandering the streets of New York Mumbling to your self. Have a nice day.