I was just in my favorite haven; the bathroom. I happen to be a reader of labels and ingredients. This time I picked up a aerosol can of Glade air freshener. I happened to notice an interesting warning.

TO AVOID PRODUCT ABUSE, KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND TEENS. JOIN THE PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG FREE AMERICA.

Now, I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but most teens are taller than their parents. There is also the fact that teens might actually NEED to use air freshener for, say, freshening the air in the bathroom. I find the idea of locking away the air freshener quite amusing. It’s right up there with needing an ID to buy whiteout. Half of the people that actually USE whiteout are under 18.

I’ve had it with this. If people want to get a buzz, they don’t need to use chemicals! Here are instructions for a buzz that doesn’t involve the use of any household products.

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING IS NOT SMART.* IF YOU DO IT, IT WILL PROVE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS AND NEED TO TAKE UP A HOBBY.

1) Breathe hard and deep, as quickly as you can. Do this for about 40 seconds while standing up.

2) Stop suddenly and hold your breath. You should pass out. Just before and after you pass out, you should feel comfortably numb and warm, as if the world is moving in slow motion. Repeat as stupidity requires.

There are two ways to prevent drug addiction. 1) Kill all living creatures on the planet. 2) Raise people to realize that though they are capable of doing drugs, they probably shouldn’t, mostly because it’s a waste of time and they will regret it. Follow this up by a kayaking trip.

*Congress is currently considering legislation that will require everyone to remove their lungs. This will prevent all drug addiction… obviously. In the event that this law is passed, please consider the “stupidity buzz” activity illegal, and therefore immoral.