Today I went shopping.

What a boring sentence, let me rephrase that; today I made a 15 minute descent into the bowels of hell. There we go. Same meaning, but much more colorful.
I was sitting around doing nothing when I realized I needed a few basic items such as shampoo, certain foods, lined paper, etc. I knew that to remedy the situation I would have to get them. To get them I would have to go shopping. I went shopping.
My great journey started at the front door. I walked up to the sliding doors and demanded entrance. The doors said "screw you". I stepped closer and demanded entrance. The doors sighed, and calmly filed their fingernails. I was momentarily distracted by the sight of doors with hands, but I pressed on. I stepped still closer, making sure that this was not an "exit". The doors tensed visibly, as if I had invaded their personal space. They looked up with a professional glare and asked me if I had made reservations. "Reservations?!" I said. "This is a supermarket, not a fancy restaurant!” I closed my eyes and walked forward with a suicidal determination. At the last second the doors opened, brushing my sleeve as they did so.
Once inside I realized that the shopping carts were outside the doors. I panicked momentarily, and then saw a stack of baskets. I quickly calculated how much stuff I needed, then took one.
First I went for the shampoo. I felt boundless joy at the thought of new shampoo. New shampoo meant that I didn’t have to feel the nagging "getting low on shampoo" feeling each morning. It meant that I didn't have to hold the bottle upside down for half an hour to coax the shampoo out. These feelings carried me past the angry employees with the "can I help you" buttons, and into the isle of shampoo. The joy left, quite suddenly, when I saw the items in question. There was shampoo. There was a lot of shampoo. The problem arose with the type of shampoo available. There was fruity shampoo, and shampoo conditioner, and shampoo for balding men, and shampoo for graying men, and shampoo for models that came with a neat brand name, and shampoo for breast feeding mothers, and shampoo for your neighbor’s dog. The only thing that was entirely missing was shampoo for teenage guys who aren't breast feeding, like me.
I eyed the selection from a distance, pacing back and forth like a general in front of the men. I would see a likely candidate, but then find out it was "fortified" with peanut butter or something like that. Finally I selected a more or less benign bottle, one with vitamin E, some kind of a silk thingy, and fragrance that came from used perfume bottles.
I got the other things on my list and headed for the ATM. I like the ATM. It is my friend. I put in a useless plastic thingy and it gives me money. We are good for each other like that. I went to the ATM, but found it was gone! I asked one of the angry people with the "May I help you?" buttons where it had gone. "The bank took it" she said. "What should I do, oh goblin from the deep?" I asked. She gave me a weird look. "To find the cold hard cash which you seek, you must get cash back at the register, oh ignorant fool" she said.
I went to the register. "Oh wise and honorable checkout person" I said. "How may I, the ignorant fool, get cold hard cash from this wondrous interactive touch screen?" "What?" she asked. I swiped my card. "Press YES if you want cash back" it said. I pressed yes. "Is 37.50 correct?" it asked. I looked up. Indeed, my total came to 37.50, but I wanted cash. I looked for another option, but found none. YES I did press. "THANK YOU" it beeped. It then returned to its cold dark state of inactivity. "Oh wise and helpful checkout person" I said. "Why, pray tell, did this wondrous machine with its colorful interactive touch screen ignore me?" "You had to press yes" she said. "I pressed yes" I said. "You had to enter an amount" she said. "It didn't let me." I said. She began mumbling curses under her breath. "Never mind, wise and merciful checkout person" I said. "I shall return to the place from whence I came." She continued mumbling to herself as I walked up to the doors.
I braced myself for impact and ran for the doors, bags swinging from each hand. These were, however, exit doors. They slid open willingly. "Have a nice day!" They said with a bright professional smile. Flames followed me out, and bats flew about my head, but I knew I had completed my journey, for this week at least.